How Do I Know If I Am Being Emotionally Controlled?

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I was asked a question recently, about emotional control: “How do I know if someone is emotionally controlling me?”

It’s a powerful, often painful question—and one I hear more frequently than you might think. Emotional control doesn’t always show up as overt abuse. Sometimes, it’s subtle: a constant guilt-trip, a shifting of blame, or an overwhelming pressure to keep someone else happy at the expense of your own needs.

In this blog, we’ll explore what emotional control looks like, how it differs from healthy influence or connection, and what psychological research tells us about identifying and reclaiming autonomy in relationships.

What Is Emotional Control?

Emotional control is a form of covert psychological manipulation where one person seeks to dominate or influence another’s emotions, behaviours, or sense of reality. This is often achieved through guilt, gaslighting, fear, or invalidation.

While emotional control can exist in romantic partnerships, it’s also present in friendships, family dynamics, and even workplace relationships.

According to Dr. Evan Stark, who coined the term “coercive control,” emotional control is a pattern of behaviour aimed at subjugation—not just isolated incidents. His research shows that coercive control often precedes and accompanies emotional or physical abuse, especially in intimate relationships.

Common Signs You’re Being Emotionally Controlled

1. You Constantly Second-Guess Yourself

One of the clearest red flags is chronic self-doubt. If you find yourself questioning your feelings, memories, or perceptions—especially after interactions with a particular person—you may be experiencing a form of gaslighting, a key emotional control tactic.

In a 2017 study published in Journal of Interpersonal Violence, gaslighting was linked with lower self-esteem and greater emotional dependency in victims of psychological abuse.

2. Guilt Is Used as a Weapon

Emotional controllers often rely on guilt to get their way. If you frequently hear things like:

• “After everything I’ve done for you…”

• “You’re so selfish when you don’t consider how I feel”

• “I guess I’m just the bad guy again”

…you might be in a guilt-based control cycle. Over time, this erodes your emotional freedom and keeps you tethered to the controller’s needs.

3. You’re Afraid to Express Your Needs

In healthy relationships, you can share what you need or want—even if it creates discomfort. In emotionally controlling dynamics, however, expressing your needs might trigger anger, withdrawal, or passive-aggressive responses.

As a result, many people learn to suppress their emotional truth, staying silent to avoid conflict. This emotional suppression can lead to anxiety, resentment, and even depression over time.

What Does the Psychology Say?

A 2019 meta-analysis published in Aggression and Violent Behaviour reviewed 25 studies on psychological abuse and found that emotional control and coercive tactics were as damaging—if not more damaging—than physical abuse in long-term mental health outcomes.

Psychologically controlled individuals often report:

• Chronic anxiety

• Low self-worth

• Feelings of confusion or emotional numbness

• Difficulty trusting themselves or others

These are not weaknesses—they’re symptoms of manipulation. The emotional controller intentionally fosters dependency and erodes your sense of reality over time.

Are You in a Controlling Dynamic? Ask Yourself These Questions:

• Do I feel more anxious than calm in this relationship?

• Am I often blamed for the other person’s mood?

• Do I feel like I’m “walking on eggshells”?

• Do I feel like I’ve lost touch with who I am?

• Is there pressure to hide things from others or not talk openly?

If your answer to most of these is "yes," it may indicate you’re in a controlling dynamic.

Emotional Control vs. Healthy Influence

Not all influence is bad. Partners, friends, and family members naturally shape our decisions and feelings. What separates emotional control from healthy influence is consent, respect, and mutuality.

Emotionally Controlling	Healthy Influence
Uses guilt or fear	Uses open discussion
Invalidates your feelings	Acknowledges your emotions
Demands compliance	Respects your autonomy
Makes you feel “less than”	Encourages your growth

Why It’s Hard to See Emotional Control While It’s Happening

Emotional control often builds slowly. At first, the behaviours might feel like love, concern, or closeness. Over time, though, your choices become fewer, and your emotional energy is drained trying to manage someone else’s reactions.

In trauma-informed therapy, this is sometimes called “fawning”—a survival response where individuals over-accommodate others to avoid conflict. It’s not weakness—it’s adaptive. But it can leave you vulnerable to control if unexamined.

How to Begin Reclaiming Control

1. Name What’s Happening

Awareness is the first step. Recognize patterns without self-blame. You didn’t “let it happen.” Emotional control thrives on distortion and doubt. The moment you begin to name it, the grip begins to loosen.

2. Set Micro-Boundaries

You don’t need to make dramatic declarations. Start small:

• “I need time to think about that.”

• “I’m not comfortable with this conversation right now.”

• “I understand you're upset, but I don’t take responsibility for your feelings.”

Boundaries are uncomfortable—for both people—but essential for reclaiming space.

3. Talk to a Professional

Therapy can be a powerful space to unpack manipulative dynamics, heal relational trauma, and rebuild trust in yourself. Trauma-informed counselling prioritizes safety, autonomy, and validation.

Research from The British Journal of Psychiatry (2020) shows that people recovering from emotionally abusive relationships benefited significantly from relational therapies that focused on rebuilding identity and self-worth.

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Overreacting

Many emotionally controlled individuals worry that they’re being dramatic or too sensitive. You’re not. Emotional control is real, and its effects are valid.

If this blog resonates with you, know this: your feelings are not wrong, and your instincts deserve to be trusted. Emotional safety isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity. You are allowed to have boundaries, to be treated with respect, and to reclaim your voice.

Looking for Support?

If you suspect you’re in a controlling relationship—romantic, familial, or otherwise—talking to a professional can help. Book a confidential consultation or subscribe to our blog for more insights on emotional health, boundaries, and healing.