Understanding Narcissism in Relationships: What It Is and How It Manifests

Photo by Engin Aykurt

Narcissism, a term often tossed around in pop culture, actually has deep psychological roots. At its core, narcissism refers to an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. While narcissism exists on a spectrum, individuals with high levels of narcissistic traits can have profound impacts on their personal relationships—especially romantic ones.

Psychologists typically differentiate between narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a clinically diagnosed condition outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). While only an estimated 0.5–1% of the general population meets the criteria for NPD (American Psychiatric Association, 2013), many more people exhibit narcissistic tendencies that can create emotional turbulence in close relationships.

Key Characteristics of Narcissists in Relationships

A romantic relationship with a narcissist can often feel like a rollercoaster—intense, confusing, and ultimately unbalanced. Research suggests several key patterns in how narcissists tend to behave:

1. Idealization and Devaluation

Narcissists often begin relationships with a phase of idealization, sometimes called “love bombing.” In this phase, they shower their partner with affection, compliments, and attention. This serves both to draw the partner in and to boost the narcissist’s self-image.

However, this honeymoon phase rarely lasts. Once the narcissist feels they have secured their partner’s admiration, they may begin to devalue them—criticizing, ignoring, or emotionally manipulating them. This idealize-devalue-discard cycle is common in narcissistic relationships (Campbell & Foster, 2002).

2. Lack of Empathy

A defining feature of narcissism is a lack of empathy. Narcissists struggle to recognize or value their partner’s feelings, which can lead to emotional neglect. According to research by Watson and Morris (1991), narcissists show significantly lower levels of empathy on self-report measures.

3. Exploitation and Manipulation

Narcissists often use manipulation to maintain control. Tactics may include gaslighting—where they distort facts to make their partner question reality—or guilt-tripping. These behaviours serve to maintain their dominance in the relationship and to avoid personal accountability.

4. Entitlement and Control

Individuals high in narcissism often believe they are entitled to special treatment. In relationships, this may manifest as expecting constant admiration, getting angry when things don't go their way, or enforcing double standards. They often seek to control their partner’s behaviour, decisions, or social interactions.

5. Fear of Intimacy

Despite their outward confidence, many narcissists have deep-seated fears of vulnerability and rejection. This paradoxical need for closeness and fear of intimacy can lead to a push-pull dynamic in relationships, where they alternate between emotional closeness and distancing behaviour (Ronningstam, 2005).

Why People Stay with Narcissistic Partners

It’s not uncommon for partners of narcissists to feel trapped or confused. Narcissists can be incredibly charming and persuasive, especially in the early stages of a relationship. They may use intermittent reinforcement—alternating affection and abuse—to create emotional dependency, a phenomenon also observed in abusive relationships (Carnes, 2015).

Many people also stay because they internalize the narcissist’s criticism, leading to diminished self-esteem. This erosion of self-worth makes it harder to leave or even recognize the unhealthy dynamics.

Long-Term Effects on Partners

The emotional toll of a relationship with a narcissist can be profound. Studies have shown that individuals in relationships with narcissistic partners report higher levels of anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress symptoms (Miller et al., 2010). Constant manipulation and emotional neglect can lead to "narcissistic abuse syndrome," where victims experience chronic self-doubt, confusion, and emotional exhaustion.

Can Narcissists Change?

While narcissistic traits are relatively stable over time, change is possible—but it’s challenging. Narcissists are often resistant to therapy, especially when they don’t see themselves as the problem. However, with long-term psychotherapy, particularly approaches like schema therapy or dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), some individuals can learn healthier ways to relate to others (Young et al., 2003).

Final Thoughts

Understanding narcissism in relationships is crucial—not just for those dealing with a narcissistic partner, but for anyone who wants to foster healthier emotional connections. Recognizing the signs early on can help prevent emotional harm and empower individuals to set strong boundaries.

If you suspect you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it may be helpful to seek support from a therapist, especially one familiar with narcissistic personality dynamics. While love and connection are human needs, they should never come at the cost of one’s emotional well-being.

References:

• American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.).

• Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2002). Narcissism and commitment in romantic relationships: An investment model analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(4), 484-495.

• Watson, P. J., & Morris, R. J. (1991). Narcissism, empathy, and social desirability. Personality and Individual Differences, 12(6), 575-579.

• Ronningstam, E. (2005). Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality. Oxford University Press.

• Carnes, P. (2015). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications.

• Miller, J. D., Campbell, W. K., & Pilkonis, P. A. (2007). Narcissistic personality disorder: Relations with distress and functional impairment. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 48(2), 170-177.

• Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner's Guide. Guilford Press.