Invariably, this is one of the most common questions I am asked by clients and potential clients. For me, it is one of the signs that the issues that the client has brought could be helped by a period of therapy. As a person centred therapist, I am continually looking for what we describe as ‘patterns of behaviour’, of the frequency that people through their actions, make the same mistakes or reach the same outcomes, over and over again. Often, the reasons for these behaviours are completely unknown to us, they are just something we have always done, and are behaviours that we often feel comfortable with.
Take for example, a person who was brought up in a destructive relationship with a parent, where they may witness spousal abuse at some level. It can often be the case that this person then finds themselves in a relationship with a partner that treats them the same way; they do so, not because they like being treated that way, but because they are comfortable knowing the situation they are in, without an expectation of anything different. I have worked with clients who have defined other potential partners, partners who are unlikely to abuse them as being “too nice”.
Of course, not all examples are that extreme. With Christmas looming, ask yourself how many times you told a loved one that the jumper they bought you was “lovely”, before consigning it to the back of the wardrobe, only to be taken out when they are likely to visit. You said it was “lovely” because you didn’t want to upset them, probably an often-repeated pattern of behaviour, and then found yourself upset when they bought a similar jumper the following year. I am sure that there are many other examples that you can find from your own life that you may feel a little uncomfortable about as you read this?
So, when asked the question, I have to answer my clients that I don’t know why it always happens to them, but I add that I’m certain it doesn’t have to. By underworking together to understand why we behave as we do, and by monitoring the emotional content that helps direct us to a better future, we can become aware of the actions we take and our reasons for doing so. Once we have this awareness, we can choose to take a different action and through this alternative behaviour, so we can find a different way of living our lives and change the direction to one that is more acceptable to us.
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