“I think I’m in love with my therapist!”

“I think I’m in love with my therapist!”

This is a thought that occurs more frequently than you might imagine and as a result of a process known as erotic transference whereby clients can develop romantic or sexual attachments for their therapist. To the client, this can appear to be a genuine connection.

It is a highly common situation and can lead to a great deal of soul-searching on the part of the client — especially if the therapist isn’t the gender that the client is typically attracted to or the client has come to see their therapist as a parent figure. For clients who are already in a committed relationship when they begin therapy, it can also evoke feelings of guilt or shame. 

Erotic transference is one of the ways that adults can express themselves and bring emotions to the forefront. The attachment does mean something but not necessarily all that clients assume! 

It occurs on an unconscious level, often dating back to early life. 

As children, we are more likely to express attachment and emotional intimacy through a mother-child relationship. As adults, this changes and we are more likely to express it through romantic or sexual attachments. During therapy, it’s common for clients to be in both childlike and adult states simultaneously, which sets the scene for erotic transference. 

For many clients, erotic transference is also indicative of childhood experiences. This is the “transference” part of the equation, whereby the client brings past experiences to therapy. These experiences are not always consciously remembered — often, they are repressed and are merely transferred onto the therapist. In this sense, transference can be a positive thing, since it highlights the healing that needs to be done. 

For some clients, therapy is the first time that they have been understood and listened to. This can introduce feelings of positivity and even intimacy towards the therapist. 

Working through erotic transference involves discussion — however embarrassing this may be for the client! It’s very hard to admit to having these types of feelings during therapy and many clients automatically assume that their therapist will be obliged to call time on the sessions. 

Most therapists have seen it all before and are trained to deal with it in a professional and non-judgemental manner. In some cases, they will have been on the other side of the equation as a student or client and will have a considerable amount of understanding and empathy for clients. 

It’s important that clients do not feel ashamed if erotic transference develops during therapy sessions. It is a perfectly normal occurrence that makes much more sense from a psychoanalysis perspective.